So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
