i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
