After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
