Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
