He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
