He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Randomize
