Life is so much better after having sex.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
