I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
