Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Girls should come with a carfax report
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
