I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
