Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
