Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
