wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
