a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
