If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
In other news, I just burned my penis
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize