i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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