There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
