I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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