masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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