Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
