i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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