After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My penis needs a shock collar
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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