Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
