i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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