do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
