Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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