I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
as a side note pls kill me
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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