Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
