took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
