i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
All the doctor said was why
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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