had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize