that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
