i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
