shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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