i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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