Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Randomize