i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
