dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Randomize
