I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
whose ass print is on the piano?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
