New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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