Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
