Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
