thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
