You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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