Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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