12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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