Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
