Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
