I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
