she kept yelling 'call me bella'
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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