how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
