i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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