my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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