so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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