ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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