birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
