I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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