Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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