I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
