so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
