i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
