my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
