Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I lost the right to judge tonight
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
