i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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