So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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