I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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