this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
