i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
