I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
