You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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