I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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