i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
