please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
