He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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