I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
