I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We smell like vodka and hangover
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
