I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
