Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
