i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We have started to decorate penises.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Randomize
