just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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